Think You're Ready?

Here are 10 things that sex educator Karen Rayne says that any person needs to do before they decide to have sex with a new partner. She points out that people should go through these steps before having oral sex, sexual intercourse or anything else that could get you pregnant or give you an STI. So here’s her list. Just for the record, this not a license to have sex. And, it may not apply to everyone – including many young adults and teens. However, it’s just good advice if you’re trying to answer this question for yourself.

  1. Have an orgasm – Before you start having sex, give yourself an orgasm. It’s important to know what feels good for you so you can show the other person.
  2. Know the other person’s sexual history – This means all forms of sex—not just vaginal sex.
  3. Know the other person’s STI status as well as your own – The only way to know for sure is for both of you to get tested.
  4. Talk about exactly what STI protection and birth control you will be using – These two issues go hand in hand for heterosexual couples and STI protection plans need to be agreed for all other couples.
  5. If you are heterosexual, talk about what happens if the woman gets pregnant – Reality is always different than theory.
  6. Have your best friend’s blessing – It is often our best friends who can see our lovers or potential lovers as they really are. Listen to what they have to say and take it to heart. If it’s not what you want to hear, give it a month. Then ask another friend and see what they have to say.
  7. Meet your partner’s parents if possible – Knowing someone’s family is an important part of knowing them.
  8. Ask yourself if you will be comfortable being naked in front of each other. Young people who are beginning their sexual life sometimes hide their sexuality in darkness. Having enough relationship trust to overcome this hurdle offers a chance to deepen your relationship before getting into deeper or more risky sexual activities
  9. Have condoms handy – Make sure they fit and that they haven’t expired. Condoms should be part of any respectful sexual relationship.
  10. Make sure your partner has done all of these things – Make sure you’re both taking care of your own and the other person’s emotional needs and physical health. Pay attention to both yourself and your partner.


Sex Talk Scripts

Practicing what you want to say now makes it easier to know what to say when things heat up. If your partner asks you to do something you're not ready to do, you'll know what to say and how you want to say it. It also helps if your partner tries to persuade to do something using information you know isn't true. Here are some statements that young people often hear. Most of them are intended to trick the other person into doing something they are not ready to do. So, here are the statements and some responses you can use when you want to say "Not Now".

"You would if you loved me."
Response: "There are other ways to show our love. I'm not ready."

"But, I love you. When you love someone, it's the right thing to do."
Response: "If you really love me you'll respect my feelings and my right to say no."

"Everybody does it. Why are you so special?"
Response: "Not everybody. Not me. It's really important for me to wait until I decide I'm ready."

"I need you. I have to have you now."
Response: "If I can wait, so can you."

"You did it for (name of a person). So, what's wrong with me? Do you think you're too good for me?"
Response: "I don't talk about any other partner I've ever had and I decide when and if I want to have sex. It's not about you."

"If you don't, then I'll find someone else who will."
Response: "If that's all I mean to you, that's what you'll have to do. I'm not ready yet." Here are some other statements used to try to persuade their partners to have risky, unprotected sex.

"Don't worry. I'll pull out in time."
Don't believe this line. You can get an STI or get pregnant before the guy cums. You can even pregnant if the semen is near the vagina but not in it. Response: "That doesn't work for me. If you won't wear a condom I can't feel safe. It's wear a condom or we can't have sex."

"I'm allergic to condoms."
Response: "There are two kinds of condoms latex and non-latex. No one is allergic to both. You'll have to get the one that you're not allergic to. I can wait."

"Partners who are committed to each other don't use condoms."
Response: "I'm not going to take the risk. We'd both need to be tested for STIs and then be committed to not have sex with anyone else if the test shows we are both free of STIs."

"You got me hard and now my balls are hurting. If you won't let me have sex with you now, it's going to injure my body. "
Response: "That just isn't true. I talked to the nurse."

"I don't have a STI and you're on the pill. So we don't need a condom"
Response: "The only way either of us can tell if we have an STI is to get tested. You can't tell by looking and I'm not going to take a chance and neither should you."

"Oops, I forgot to bring a condom with me."
Response: "I don't have sex without a condom. So, it's not happening tonight. But there's other ways to be intimate."